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Dear Viewers,

See more of my luminous hair, this time at Bryan’s site, where the new vlog is posted.   I think you’ll agree that no one can watch this video and think we are anything less than professional.

Love,

MedicatedLady

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The long-awaited video debut of MedicatedLady and Bryan Borland – together:

*The poem read by MedicatedLady in the video is “Disappointment” by Mike Topp.

Guest blog post by Bryan Borland, in MedicatedLady’s absence

Dear Readers,

I was honored when MedicatedLady asked me to write a guest-post in her absence. Well, not so much honored as burdened. And she didn’t ask me so much as I demanded. Such is our relationship. 

MedicatedLady is, at this moment, touring our nation’s capitol. Her trip is unrelated to the House’s recent passing of healthcare legislation, though, even so, a group of teabaggers resolved not to pay for MedicatedLady’s medication through public funding and took to protesting her visit. MedicatedLady did happen to snap a photograph of one of their crudely-drawn signs (Damn those Republicans!):

In other news, MedicatedLady would like for me report that the closest she’s come to an intimate encounter with a man while on this trip was when she entered a taxi to discover the cabbie had recently completed an intimate encounter with himself. To distract MedicatedLady, he then proceeded to blast the news at eardrum-bursting levels and got snippy with MedicatedLady when she couldn’t hear or understand his probing questions (which, no doubt, were meant to fuel future self-gratuity).  Being the gracious woman she is, MedicatedLady simply stared straight ahead and shook her luminous hair until she arrived at her destination.

For your further entertainment, I will now provide a sampling of text messages I’ve received from MedicatedLady in the last month or so:

My dog just peed on me.

Say to yourself, herbs! With an audible “h.” This will bring you joy.

OMG severe storms make my ovaries and left knee hurt.

You can expect more of our mutual charm when MedicatedLady and I finally video-blog together the first weekend in April.  We’ll be handing out advice to you, Dear Readers, so if there are any problems in your life you would like us to address, now is the time to send in your questions.  For example, are you having trouble with the menz?  Do you suffer from paraurisis, the disorder that makes urination in public places near impossible?  Are you allergic to love and love byproducts?  Did your cleaning lady break your vacuum cleaner?  Do you have trouble spelling the word vacuum?  Do you hate MedicatedLady because she has a cleaning lady?  Does your dog shit on the floor and grind it into the tile to spite you?  Does your mother hate the purse you carry?  Did you lose your virginity to a mode of transportation? Do you constantly get mistaken for a 12-year-old girl? We can help you out with these issues and more, so don’t be shy.

We certainly won’t.

Bryan

*Him being a clueless male and not my faithful dear readers.

  • Say okay to cuddling, as in his definition of cuddling, not yours.
  • Say alright to things you’d rather not do.
  • Send a defaced Hallmark card. (Specifically, if you are sending said card to a Straight Man, be sure to include “fuck”; otherwise, he will not understand. He will ask you if you’re on your period.)
  • Take off your pants.
  • Say, “excuse me, sir, would you mind giving a little girl a good, hard [insert appropriate word/phrase here].
  • Ignore him. Nothings says “I love you” to a man like pretending he doesn’t exist. Do NOT tell him you care.
  • Smile.
  • Laugh at not-funny jokes.
  • Stack your limited cookbooks in plain sight so he thinks he’s going to be the one who changes you into a Domesticated Delight.
  • Call him [insert name], but add that you like that about him.
  • Give him a private pet name. Try to forget any references to human pets.
  • Get sassy.
  • Put on your sexy lipgloss.
  • Send him a suggestive electronic message. (“What are you wearing?” works usually although I did text that as a joke to my ex-boyfriend and his daughter read it and he had to give her some excuse about how I bought him a shirt for his birthday and that I wanted to know if he was wearing it. Still, don’t feel sorry for him because he was an asshole.).
  • Don’t use more than 3 words in a sentence. It’s best to keep it simple.
  • Shake out your luminous hair.
  • Create lists. Many, many lists.
  • Breathe sighs of relief that you are keeping yourself silent.
  • Drink Coke Zero.
  • Feel guilty about drinking Coke Zero and go get some water.
  • Watch your hard-won tan fade.
  • Remember your luminous hair and shake it out for good measure.
  • Distract yourself with all sorts of insignificant things all day. For example, how many tissues are cluttering up your desk anyway?
  • Look for a pet online that you are completely inept to care for.
  • Breathe a sign of relief that you don’t have time to go to the pound today to adopt a pet you are completely inept to care for.
  • Consider your ineptitude for caring for yourself. This will offer amusement.
  • Exercise and eat well.
  • Try to call AT&T. You will not be able to actually speak to anybody who can do anything for you because they sense when you’re about to break up with them and this relationship is all they have.
  • Think of the mayhem that is about to ensue in your book about people dying horribly and how you will be haunted very soon by the images you create in your head.
  • Go to Family Dollar. Yes, it’s ghetto but it’s also fabulous.
  • Plan how many hours of sleep you are going to get tonight.
  • Enjoy Bryan’s descriptions of your heart condition.
  • Appreciate that Keith Urban, even though he is exceptionally well-groomed (to a troubling extent).
  • Make a hair appointment.
  • Make an appointment for a one-hour massage in August.
  • Worry if your dates in the next two weeks are going to judge you harshly because your roots are showing.
  • Continue to watch your tan fade.
  • Fondly remember the time long ago (say, 2-3 weeks ago) when you were fond of that horny Airman.
  • Let the good people of the world know that you know what a chapbook is now and how Bryan patiently explained this to you 5 different ways because he thinks you a simpleton, even though you told him you understood his definition the first time he explained it.
  • Correct emails that are sent to you, grammatically-speaking. You can do this mentally or in a Word document.

Bindo let me interview him for my blog. You know you will giggle as I did. (I suppose I should admit I’m not sure if the pronounciation is biiiiindo or beeendo.)

Bindo’s note to you, dear reader. Before I answered any of Medicated Lady’s questions, I felt it necessary to put on Beck’s “Sea Changes” undoubtedly, the most depressing record ever made. Hmm, where are my smokes? Ah, here they are! OK, everything is in place, Ashtray? Check!…Lighter?..Check!.. Coffee? Check! And now……

1. Can you describe your Dark Place? 

Very dark, like a black hole, but with a great paint job and tasteful window treatments.

2. Where does your writing inspiration come from? 

It comes from years of being on the road, smoking, drinking coffee, drugs and booze, hundred’s of dead end jobs and a ridiculous amount of meaningless sex.

3. How did Bindo, the writer, become Bindo, the writer?

After being fired or quitting hundreds of dead end jobs (for good and not so good reasons), it occurred to me that I wasn’t good at anything except writing about not being good at anything.

4. In a no-holds barred, caged fight, who would you want as your “wrasslin” ally: Bryan or me? Also, who would you be up against?  

That’s tough, because you are both extremely cute and I am shallow on many levels. But I think considering everything, I would have you on my team because I could sit back, light a smoke and watch your luminous hair flying as you leap through the air to put the kabash on our opponents…

Segue way?

That would have to be Bryan and The Dalai Lama. First, well ya know, I get to wrestle with Bryan but mostly, I just like to win.

5. I’m at my happiest when I’m terribly depressed. I am allergic to fire ant venom. Is there any circumstance in which you’d ever want to be eaten by a grizzly bear?

Funny you should ask. I was out hunting bear, back in my Hemmingway days. I had a big grizzly in my sight, pulled the trigger and fired. The bear dropped to the ground. I ran over and the bear was no where. I felt a tap on my shoulder, turned and saw the grizzly. He said, “you have two choices: One, I maul and eat you or Two, you let me have my way with you.”

At the time I was feeling very prolific and didn’t want to die at the moment, which is always a strange feeling, so I opted for backdoor number two. Well, I was depressed over my rape and was going home. When I saw the grizzly again, I sighted him up and pulled the trigger. He dropped like a bad habit. I ran over to celebrate my victory over the horny bear but he was no where to be found. Suddenly, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and there he was with a grizzly smile. He looked at me and said, “You’re not here for hunting are you?”

Be sure to check out bindo’s site:http://bindo.wordpress.com/

Bryan has also reviewed one of bindo’s books on his blog: http://poeticgrin.com/2009/07/03/smoke-breaks-by-bindo/

So from time to time I get questions from people about their lives and what they should do/deal with certain situations. As a result, I’ve decided to answer some of the most pressing questions on this blog. Please, feel free to contact me with additional questions or advice.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

I am just now learning the tricks of the trade of shaking out my luminous hair in uncomfortable situations. It’s a tall order but so far I’ve had great luck. My question is, though, how does one get not only luminous hair but sexy hair in the first place?

  • Own your roots, even if they are growing out, even if you haven’t seen them in years. Brazenly walk through your life knowing what your roots are.
  • Wash and fluff.
  • Get a side bang. That way, you can cover your eyes just so when looking up at the menfolk. They’ll either think you’re sexy or be reminded of the girl from the Ring. But someone somewhere thinks that girl is damn fine so either way, you are set.
  • Fluff some more.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

 

What medications are you on? What for?

 

Past and present, I have been on several medications. I’ve compiled a list and my reaction to them for those who are interested in becomes Medication Persons.

 

  1. Zoloft: great for anxiety but those pesky death preoccupations still exist. It’s probably not the medicine’s fault.
  2. Valium: Curbs anxiety but my head would hurt like a mo-fo later.
  3. Alleve: I’ve taken four today and still have a headache. I wonder if over-medicating can cause rebound headaches? Surely not. Maybe one more would do the trick?
  4. Xanax: Nice, but I was only prescribed three and only took 1.5 before I became a close friend’s personal pharmacist when she was in a jam.
  5. Hydrocodone: Heavenly, especially once the pain went away and I could really enjoy it.
  6. Codeine: It was used as some form of cough syrup and seems like it made me groggy but ewww on the taste. Give me pills, I say.
  7. Tylenol: I wonder if I should get some for my headache?
  8. Wellbutrin: Even if technically, you are not bipolar, you may be driven to a manic episode and be ultra-unstable for months. Some might say you never “recover,” and your personality completely changed. Some people will say you were bipolar in their poems, although they are careful to point out that because you are not rapid cycling, they obviously weren’t talking about you.
  9. Lamictal: Mood stabilizer. I ask you, dear reader, is it working, do you think?

10.Prozac: Now, years later, I’m taking an old-school SSRI.

11. Baby aspirin: Ain’t nothing baby about it if you take 5-7 at a time.

12: Ambien: Heaven except for 1) texts and conversations and men I don’t remember writing/having/doing, and 2) it wears off too early.

13. Lunesta: Expensive and not better than Ambien.

14. Ambien CR: Works longer than Ambien but your prescription company might bitch-slap you with “we ain’t paying for your sleep relief” crap b/c you want a real fix to your problem.

15: Lisinopril: It’s supposed to help my pressures.

16: Ibuprofen: I have too much pain for any one pain reliever to take on. I think of it as a sort of medicinal “team” approach to pain.

17. Benadryl: Great for sleep and allergies. But the decongestant kind will make you crazy.

18: Some other antidepressant: Disastrous effects, but who knows exactly what it’s called.

 

The combination of meds is not advisable and you really should only use medications according to their prescribed uses. It should also be noted that the prescription should actually belong to you. Don’t steal someone else’s pills or you will wind up like my Aunt Karen’s Daughter.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

 

What would do for a Klondike bar?

 

I don’t think it’s about what I would do for a Klondike bar. I think it’s about what Burger King can do for me. Or Ben and Jerry’s. Or pizza. Bend me over and smack my booty, sweet things.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

 

Why are you friends with poeticgrin (Bryan) after all the horrible things he’s done to you?

 

I have been asked this question many times. The answer is simple. I am an abused gay housewife, and the people in that Mexican restaurant tried to warn me. With their searching eyes, they implored again and again, “are you sure you don’t want something to drink?” I knew what they meant. And besides, I mean, even though it seared my retina, that car spray did smell like real cherries.

SOB with me

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