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A fun excerpt from the life and times, baby.

ML: I was the innocent victim of a wasp sting.
ML: [indecipherable words strung together with inappropriate pauses]
Bryan: Hey, you—
ML: mrph [unimaginable babbling]
B: So, basically, you sound just like Person X when he has neurological reactions to migraines.
ML: How do you feel?
“Unnamed Person”: Much better. I was a human geyser. But I’m looking damn good today in my skinny jeans and white belt.
ML: Is it called a human flute? Flue? A slat? [the word ML was looking for was “funnel”]
B: [indecipherable response as ML tries to think clearly]
B: Girl?
B: Call me if you need an am-bu-lance. It too expensive to actually call the am-bu-lance.
ML: meep
B: [pretends to understand and obviously didn’t hear ML]
ML: Stoppit
B: Cheerio, chappie
ML: I will have to execute a name change on new doggie if I get her. Obviously, I like maggie but she looks just like an Emma to me, too. Or Emmie. What is your reaction to having it be a fatty cyst?
B: Please I ain’t Karen. I have superpowers and the ability to communicate with the dead.

  • Create lists. Many, many lists.
  • Breathe sighs of relief that you are keeping yourself silent.
  • Drink Coke Zero.
  • Feel guilty about drinking Coke Zero and go get some water.
  • Watch your hard-won tan fade.
  • Remember your luminous hair and shake it out for good measure.
  • Distract yourself with all sorts of insignificant things all day. For example, how many tissues are cluttering up your desk anyway?
  • Look for a pet online that you are completely inept to care for.
  • Breathe a sign of relief that you don’t have time to go to the pound today to adopt a pet you are completely inept to care for.
  • Consider your ineptitude for caring for yourself. This will offer amusement.
  • Exercise and eat well.
  • Try to call AT&T. You will not be able to actually speak to anybody who can do anything for you because they sense when you’re about to break up with them and this relationship is all they have.
  • Think of the mayhem that is about to ensue in your book about people dying horribly and how you will be haunted very soon by the images you create in your head.
  • Go to Family Dollar. Yes, it’s ghetto but it’s also fabulous.
  • Plan how many hours of sleep you are going to get tonight.
  • Enjoy Bryan’s descriptions of your heart condition.
  • Appreciate that Keith Urban, even though he is exceptionally well-groomed (to a troubling extent).
  • Make a hair appointment.
  • Make an appointment for a one-hour massage in August.
  • Worry if your dates in the next two weeks are going to judge you harshly because your roots are showing.
  • Continue to watch your tan fade.
  • Fondly remember the time long ago (say, 2-3 weeks ago) when you were fond of that horny Airman.
  • Let the good people of the world know that you know what a chapbook is now and how Bryan patiently explained this to you 5 different ways because he thinks you a simpleton, even though you told him you understood his definition the first time he explained it.
  • Correct emails that are sent to you, grammatically-speaking. You can do this mentally or in a Word document.

You have to keep in mind that I had to actually close my hotmail account because of the phishing. What this means is I’ve had to close the door on certain contacts, one of which is the ex. And to close the door on him means I close the door to any communication ever with him. Not that I expected to email him, but I always fantasized about letting him have it. Now that the chance of that happening is completely gone, I have to release in the only way I can.

 

 

Hey ML,

 

Hey—what’s up with all the emails I keep getting from your hotmail account.

 

Shotdog

 

Shotdog,

Apparently, my email has no affection to give you. But at least it didn’t tell you in bed.

ML

 

Also, fuck you.

SOB with me

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