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This is not an ending. It’s both a door to friendship and a promise that some other door will open with someone else.

My latest boyfriend wants to be friends. Well. Okay, he’s not my boyfriend. I’d like a boyfriend. I’d like one too much. But I suppose the best reframe is that the pressure is gone from trying to impress this guy. I don’t have to get nervous (should I see him again), he’s just another person. Men are something other than people when they are potential mates. 

I have made it through one round of holidays. It hasn’t been as bad as it is sometimes, but I feel myself redrawing now. I hate hate hate New Year’s. Almost as much as I hate my birthday, which is immediately following New Year’s. I dread this. There, I said it.

I feel very alone, dear reader. This reframe is not working. I am incredibly disappointed  and discouraged by this turn of events. Just to know I can’t even pretend that I’ve got something worth keeping is disheartening. To know I’ve still got to keep putting myself out there is sad. I’m tired.

😦

The vast majority of my good cheer

Has been wasted on strangers

I’m grumpy now

Crabby

I think that I am the endearing kind of crabby

You dropped me with two little words. Happy Holidays. What the fuck kind of thing is that to say? I love my men instantaneously.

And am always surprised when the two of us, “us,” combust spontaneously internally how could this happen to me how could he/you not love me why am I powerless to stop myself or him or you.

 

It’s not meant to be a dig I’m sure

It just does

Deep down

Disrupting fragile roots

Severing some, severely damaging others

Nonessentials are left unharmed

that time of year

when lips get chapped

I stretch them taunt

so the skin rips apart

finally giving way

to flaps

that can be painfully torn away

As the myth goes

you were a cold bastard

badforme

in countless ways

you used up my nonrenewable resources

polluting the air

forthehellofit

As much as I hate to dwell

I am still reminded of you

every day

you clutter me

themythistherewaseveranyyouandme

You have the look

of someone nice

mysterious

sexy

 

You have a mind

that is quick

clever

alert

 

It’s what it always is: a question of foundations

Is your heart strong enough?

Is mine?

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves.

 

Feeling momentarily hopeful is a far cry from being hopeful. My mood has lifted, but there’s a shadow in the back of my mind, always brooding, peripherally threatening me at all times.

 

Meeting someone new is not just scary, it’s terrifying. There’s the whole meeting for the first time. There’s the whole “does he like me?” thing. The whole “do I like him thing?” thing. The questions that bite press against the skin sharply: can I continually push beyond my comfort zone, is he worth the effort it takes for me to overcome my panic, is he just like this or that former flame (or the equivalent in his own way).

 

Assertiveness is tied to letting go. It requires you to own your wants and needs and say to hell with your fears of rejection and your doubts about yourself and the other person involved.  Can I let go?

 

But when I think of the time I’ve spent with this person, I feel as though it’s like a light, flaky breakfast pastry that I want to taste again soon. And it doesn’t have to be an all-consuming event to have a quick bite.

If I wished at all

I’d be content from here on

From now until then

 

It was cold out, and he came to cook for me. The warmth of the oven did not compare to the warmth in my feet and gut. We pretended to work together as an excuse to get closer, him letting me help, me wanting to impress him. He told me cooking wasn’t hard, that all one had to do was follow the directions. I told him I was book smart but not cookbook smart. He laughed. We watched a show with sexual innuendos and commercials for natural male enhancement and laughed. In the meantime, we sat closer together until my right shoulder, arm, and leg was definitively against his left shoulder, arm, and leg. And at the end, a touch. Warmth from his fingertips to my leg and then tingles all over when his hand shifted. Awkward pauses at the door, what to do. Finally, a hug and a light brushing of the lips. A simple goodbye, though hopefully not for long.

I know he’s worried

about impending ice

I’m worried

about the inevitability of it

all

the end

and all the rest

 

I’m trying to catch the plane

train

to see her

before she goes

and the weather closes in

SOB with me

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