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August 27, 2008.
I had told him how I felt and wanted. I wanted more. We’d made up. We are snuggled in bed. but he felt the need to talk to me about it. So he rolls over to my side of the cover and looks at me through the near-darkness and tells me he knows this isn’t what I want to hear but he says he has no affection to give me
August 28, 2008
Day of the Dead, recently deceased: him and me
August 27, 2009
He messaged me a day before the anniversary of our demise. He wondered if we were on speaking terms. 364 days he could have come around, apologized, anything. I needed him to help me find closure.
August 28, 2009
I told him, let me be.
April 8. I’ll have been in Arkansas 19 years. I still remember intervals of aching when it had been only 1 day, 3 months, 1 year in Arkansas.
April 3. Nearly 7 months and I finally think I’m ready to let go of the counting. Maybe acknowledge the year anniversary of our split when it comes (August 28). When we were together, I felt the clock winding down. Apart, I’ve counted up, endlessly up, there’s-no-ceiling up. I look down and happen to notice the date and I think, is this day significant in any way? The answer is the same. I made notations of when I saw him in last year’s calendar, and I had lunch with him on this day, April 2008. It was our 11th date. We only had 42 dates left.
My friend, Lamar, recently posted about living in the past and the future and trying to find balance in the now. It made me think. I only have brief moments of clarity in which I totally feel the now. For example, I live in the now when I realize this or that sucks. When I have overeaten and feel ill, in this very moment.
Mainly, though, it’s somewhere other than now that I live. This comes to the fore when yours truly, medicatedlady, signs herself up for an on-line dating service and the impossible questions arise, such as “what are your current likes and dislikes.” My mind goes blank. I have no current likes or dislikes, other than I currently very much dislike these silly questions I’m being forced to answer.
Then, my brain goes backwards and forwards. I’d like to one day like to workout. I’d like to be adventurous and be a decent tennis player in the future. I will dislike unavailable men soon. I’d like to be really skinny sometime before I’m dead. Or. I used to very much like my home-made cheese sandwiches. I used to dislike all jokes pertaining to pork or paying for pork or porking for pay. It’s all wills and dids. Used tos and would likes. Never dos. Never now.
I live for the time when this moment becomes that moment or will become that moment.
Maybe this isn’t a problem. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how I can change what seems so natural. The present isn’t natural. At least not to me.
For Lamar’s post, see http://lamarj72.wordpress.com/ and enjoy.
3:27 p.m. Note the time. It’s important. The only way to know for sure that this moment isn’t the last. The only proof we have that here is not there. Now is not then or when.
Note the time. Even if there’s nothing left to say that hasn’t already been said. No new thoughts, no new insights. If it seems as though nothing matters, maybe nothing matters?
I’d like to fast-forward to the being happy part.
To the finding someone worthy part.
To the feeling fulfilled part.
To the not waiting part.
To the not cynical part.
To the not wounded part.
To the not being dead part.
And just like that, note the time when positive becomes the absence of negative, which is not the same thing.