You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2010.

• his thoughts weren’t worth my penny, I decided (much too late)
• if you want to keep him, don’t let him take you to Hot Springs
• I’m needy
• I’m weak
• I’m bull-headed stubborn
• if you want to get rid of him, talk about your own problems
• if you like him, you can sit through any story no matter how many times you’ve heard it or how vulgar and unbecoming it is
• if you like him, he will not like you
• if you agree that neither of you will play games, accept that you’re both playing that game
• I’m accommodating
• I’m sweet
• I’m a good listener
• weed is never a good conversation starter
• weed is an awkward topic of conversation if you’re not into weed
• telling me you tried to sell weed to an undercover cop and that as a result, you think you were “framed” even though you admit to doing it is cause for concern and perhaps a reasonable moment to challenge him on his “it’s not my fault” mentality
• sushi is okay
• shorties don’t do it for me
• kawai (spelling?) means cute in Japanese
• Republicans scare me
• tall men are unreliable
• tall men are reliable
• I don’t like body odor
• I like sexy texts but most times, sexy texts ruin a relationship
• I don’t like to hear about maps in the Middle Ages
• I have a birthmark on my face
• I have freckles
• not everyone is gay-friendly
• straight guys can be insecure
• men are robots
• men are funny
• I fall in love with laughter
• I don’t like rice balls
• as it turns out, I like blue eyes after all

As Bryan Borland’s closest frenemy, I have of course not read or bought his brilliant new book, My Life as Adam. I have seen the artistry on the front cover. It’s very intense. I have lived Spammed and seen the coming of Adam in twilight technicolor. The way Bryan cuts through his butter bread and shouts out to all the boys who wronged us.

Listen, I would purchase it and read it. Really I would. But you see two years ago Bryan bought me a Wally Lamb book. They are epics and I’m 3/5 of the way through it. If I stop now, it would be an insult to Bryan, now wouldn’t it?

I hear the format is nice. Call me critical but I doubt the font is in bookman old style, which is unfortunate because I’d give him a higher rating for the right font.

I give a thumbs down to Bryan’s acknowledgements, which don’t include Medicated Lady, for shit’s sake. Fuck that. This book sucks.

And besides, a guttural voice in me says: Why pay for the cow when I already got the milk free, see?

Rating: 72-hour Suckage*

*A note on the rating system: being obsessed with ticks and the transmission of lyme disease or worse, my rating system is not based on the number of ticks that I would give your book. Instead, it’s based on the amount of time that the tick is imbedded in your skin. The longer the tick stays on you, the worse it is and so the more suckage hours, the worse the book is. There are very obvious reasons why Bryan’s book scored higher than the 36-hour suckage mark that it usually takes to transmit Lyme Disease.

“you know what comes next,”
I say to him with a sad smile
it’s a smile I think he’ll come to know well

>>>>>>>

on my lips
a song from yesterday
words not quite audible
not quite decipherable
the melody doing the work
working the doing
working the words
slowly forming
on my lips

I awoke to screaming lips
a sigh beyond
teeth clenched
with an image in mind

blood plastered image on my mind
blood splattered image on my mind

In Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now,” one of the lyrics goes, “oh I’d rather feel something than nothing at all.” Well, then. Clearly, they’ve never felt the peace of feeling nothing at all because although not a pleasant experience, if you can get that numb, it’s something that one really would prefer at times, especially during breakups.

They need to get a little dead inside.

*****

Nails down to the quick
I’ve made them weak
with my neglect
I should have listened to the wives’ tales
I’m without talon to pick or perch
and it will take more time than I’ve got
to make them right again

The significant dates. Dates as defined by calendar days but might be construed as dates as in dating, though some of the “dates” were really just mindless fucking. Whatever. You decide the definition(s).

In a month’s time, you have a choice. The averages don’t lie.

• March 5-April 5, 2008: you had 12 dates down with him with five more months to go. You only lasted 53 dates total so you were already one-fourth through your relationship. Over the course of this time, you had 8.8 dates a month or 2.2 dates a week. He divvied his time with almost the precision with which he peeled and cored your heart.

• July 11-August 11, 2009: you were 14 down with 3 to go. A mere 2.33 dates a week for the six weeks you were together in bliss. It was almost good as long as it lasted. Though more dates than the first within the first 30 days, not a statistically significant finding. In fact, he was an insignificant finding.

• April 11-May 11, 2010: you’re 16 dates in plus two on the way and no end in immediate sight. Maybe not sure fire but you have the devotion of a man on average of 4.25 times a week and those kinds of stats you just can’t argue with.

there were bare bones
of the newly-released-from-the-flesh sort
fresh bones
in a soy bean crop
on the side of the road

bare bones
of the not-so-innocent kind
guilty bones
not that you’ll read about that
in the newspaper

bare bones
but not deservingly so
bare
because the life that enveloped them
was torn loose

bones bared
if for no other reason
than gluttony or boredom

Less sad =
happy,
when sidestepping

track progress
with your tracks

how far you’ve come
since you’ve been less sad =
happy

May 5. Since she is experiencing a sort-of dissociative episode, this writer will refer to Medicated Lady in the third person for the duration of this post. It might be a dissociative episode or it might be a sign of mental stability that she is not upset about her work situation, which is shit and resulted in a negative evaluation last Friday. ML just sat there and took her medicine (meaning her boss’s comments). She said nothing to her boss because technically, it was errors caused by ML. After she took that kind of medicine, ML came back to her office and took another kind of medicine. ML’s close confidant assured her that she would rebound with another job soon and that he would put his best OCD foot forward and be on the prowl for job openings. This companion is the one who suggested ML be a mitigating circumstances investigator for death row inmates many years ago, even though if she did a bad job, someone would die because of her.

May 7. As it turns out, dear readers, my memory has not bounced back from the Trazedone experience. At least I’m not having too many withdrawal symptoms now. Last week, my loves, I did not receive a pleasant employee evaluation. Although I was not devastated, I cannot tell you the joy/relief I felt when I saw the two grammatical mistakes my supervisor made in her “letter of counseling” to me. I cannot tell you how miserable allergies can make one feel.

SOB with me

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