So from time to time I get questions from people about their lives and what they should do/deal with certain situations. As a result, I’ve decided to answer some of the most pressing questions on this blog. Please, feel free to contact me with additional questions or advice.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

I am just now learning the tricks of the trade of shaking out my luminous hair in uncomfortable situations. It’s a tall order but so far I’ve had great luck. My question is, though, how does one get not only luminous hair but sexy hair in the first place?

  • Own your roots, even if they are growing out, even if you haven’t seen them in years. Brazenly walk through your life knowing what your roots are.
  • Wash and fluff.
  • Get a side bang. That way, you can cover your eyes just so when looking up at the menfolk. They’ll either think you’re sexy or be reminded of the girl from the Ring. But someone somewhere thinks that girl is damn fine so either way, you are set.
  • Fluff some more.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

 

What medications are you on? What for?

 

Past and present, I have been on several medications. I’ve compiled a list and my reaction to them for those who are interested in becomes Medication Persons.

 

  1. Zoloft: great for anxiety but those pesky death preoccupations still exist. It’s probably not the medicine’s fault.
  2. Valium: Curbs anxiety but my head would hurt like a mo-fo later.
  3. Alleve: I’ve taken four today and still have a headache. I wonder if over-medicating can cause rebound headaches? Surely not. Maybe one more would do the trick?
  4. Xanax: Nice, but I was only prescribed three and only took 1.5 before I became a close friend’s personal pharmacist when she was in a jam.
  5. Hydrocodone: Heavenly, especially once the pain went away and I could really enjoy it.
  6. Codeine: It was used as some form of cough syrup and seems like it made me groggy but ewww on the taste. Give me pills, I say.
  7. Tylenol: I wonder if I should get some for my headache?
  8. Wellbutrin: Even if technically, you are not bipolar, you may be driven to a manic episode and be ultra-unstable for months. Some might say you never “recover,” and your personality completely changed. Some people will say you were bipolar in their poems, although they are careful to point out that because you are not rapid cycling, they obviously weren’t talking about you.
  9. Lamictal: Mood stabilizer. I ask you, dear reader, is it working, do you think?

10.Prozac: Now, years later, I’m taking an old-school SSRI.

11. Baby aspirin: Ain’t nothing baby about it if you take 5-7 at a time.

12: Ambien: Heaven except for 1) texts and conversations and men I don’t remember writing/having/doing, and 2) it wears off too early.

13. Lunesta: Expensive and not better than Ambien.

14. Ambien CR: Works longer than Ambien but your prescription company might bitch-slap you with “we ain’t paying for your sleep relief” crap b/c you want a real fix to your problem.

15: Lisinopril: It’s supposed to help my pressures.

16: Ibuprofen: I have too much pain for any one pain reliever to take on. I think of it as a sort of medicinal “team” approach to pain.

17. Benadryl: Great for sleep and allergies. But the decongestant kind will make you crazy.

18: Some other antidepressant: Disastrous effects, but who knows exactly what it’s called.

 

The combination of meds is not advisable and you really should only use medications according to their prescribed uses. It should also be noted that the prescription should actually belong to you. Don’t steal someone else’s pills or you will wind up like my Aunt Karen’s Daughter.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

 

What would do for a Klondike bar?

 

I don’t think it’s about what I would do for a Klondike bar. I think it’s about what Burger King can do for me. Or Ben and Jerry’s. Or pizza. Bend me over and smack my booty, sweet things.

 

Dear Medicated Lady,

 

Why are you friends with poeticgrin (Bryan) after all the horrible things he’s done to you?

 

I have been asked this question many times. The answer is simple. I am an abused gay housewife, and the people in that Mexican restaurant tried to warn me. With their searching eyes, they implored again and again, “are you sure you don’t want something to drink?” I knew what they meant. And besides, I mean, even though it seared my retina, that car spray did smell like real cherries.

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