How to Make It through a Tuesday
July 7, 2009 in advice, How to | Tags: chapbook definition, emails, Family Dollar, ghetto, helpful hints, How to, ineptitude, luminous hair, pets, tan, tips, Tuesday
- Create lists. Many, many lists.
- Breathe sighs of relief that you are keeping yourself silent.
- Drink Coke Zero.
- Feel guilty about drinking Coke Zero and go get some water.
- Watch your hard-won tan fade.
- Remember your luminous hair and shake it out for good measure.
- Distract yourself with all sorts of insignificant things all day. For example, how many tissues are cluttering up your desk anyway?
- Look for a pet online that you are completely inept to care for.
- Breathe a sign of relief that you don’t have time to go to the pound today to adopt a pet you are completely inept to care for.
- Consider your ineptitude for caring for yourself. This will offer amusement.
- Exercise and eat well.
- Try to call AT&T. You will not be able to actually speak to anybody who can do anything for you because they sense when you’re about to break up with them and this relationship is all they have.
- Think of the mayhem that is about to ensue in your book about people dying horribly and how you will be haunted very soon by the images you create in your head.
- Go to Family Dollar. Yes, it’s ghetto but it’s also fabulous.
- Plan how many hours of sleep you are going to get tonight.
- Enjoy Bryan’s descriptions of your heart condition.
- Appreciate that Keith Urban, even though he is exceptionally well-groomed (to a troubling extent).
- Make a hair appointment.
- Make an appointment for a one-hour massage in August.
- Worry if your dates in the next two weeks are going to judge you harshly because your roots are showing.
- Continue to watch your tan fade.
- Fondly remember the time long ago (say, 2-3 weeks ago) when you were fond of that horny Airman.
- Let the good people of the world know that you know what a chapbook is now and how Bryan patiently explained this to you 5 different ways because he thinks you a simpleton, even though you told him you understood his definition the first time he explained it.
- Correct emails that are sent to you, grammatically-speaking. You can do this mentally or in a Word document.
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July 7, 2009 at 3:37 pm
poeticgrin
Bryan patiently explained the chapbook concept to you four times and then received this email from you:
“Define a chapbook. It’s been a confusing concept thusfar.”
As if I’d never diagramed it for you before.
Also, for my birthday I would like a one-hour massage as well. You can afford it. Note that I will be gone August 10-13 (to Chicago) and that I have a Saturday class beginning on August 15 which starts at 11 something and ends at 2 something. I am free during the week, however, since I can step away from work for my lunch hour(s). So perhaps Saturday, August 8.
July 7, 2009 at 3:42 pm
poeticgrin
Or you could just do like you did at Christmas when we agreed to get each other that new Wally Lamb book. I got it for you and you got me a second-season set of DVDs of which I did not own the first season, and a woman’s apron. Enjoyable gifts, true enough. I guess I did get you a giant phallic-like glass sculpture with a ball gag on top for your 30th birthday. I mean, I enjoyed it. It was expensive! I’m talking it cost 70 something dollars, pre-tax. It looks great beside your television in a hole of some sort. The colors remind me of afterbirth. Also, when I go to your condo to look around at things while you are at work, I admire all the gifts I’ve given you. The toaster. The globe. I guess a globe would be acceptable for my birthday, although globes are more Christmas-fare, don’t you agree?
July 7, 2009 at 3:47 pm
medicatedlady
I hate to whine but Chris got me the Wally Lamb book.
I like the phallic vase with bubble top. I just need a stand. Although now that I think about it, atop my wooden cd stand might just be the place. I fear it getting broken. The globe is on my coffee table so I hate to overshadow that. What to do. Maybe I’ll just put the globe back in the bathroom so then you can have your private time with it.
So what if I can’t remember you and your definitions. You should explain well the first, first, first time.
July 8, 2009 at 8:27 am
jessiecarty
Still have the Wally Lamb book on my to get list —
“Go to Family Dollar. Yes, it’s ghetto but it’s also fabulous.”
I’ve been eyeing the one down the street (cause I live borderline ghetto-oh yeah!) because I haven’t been in one since I was a kid. Family Dollar was one of my mom’s favorite places to shop. Yeah it was cheap, yeah we didn’t have a wal-mart and heck where else was I going to get pink camo shorts?
You guys crack me up 🙂
July 8, 2009 at 8:37 am
medicatedlady
Jessie, I bring the ghetto to wherever I live.