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I went out with this guy once who ended up blocking me from his phone. He was very tall and good looking and ended up saying he didn’t know how to block people from his phone so it was weird that I was blocked. I just said whatev and let it go because the distance was too far anyway but he was a nice guy basically (aside from blocking me). Anyway, we’ve remained the closest of FB friends. Or at least we’re Facebook friends. Which means we acknowledge each other to some degree. This is a guy who went through a nasty divorce and he said it would be hard for him to get married again. He moved to NW Arkansas in June and had a world wind romance and next thing I know, his Facebook status is Married. I’m happy for him and terribly jealous that I myself have not had a world wind romance that resulted in a manic-induced marriage to someone I barely knew. I mean, it sounds like something that would happen to me but hasn’t. Yet. I have hope, dear readers.

The Boy and I are officially just friends now. Platonic friends. Which I think means we will never see each other again. Truthfully, I’m okay with it.

I don’t know why I feel optimistic but dammit, I feel sure I’m going to find me a good man and be in a happy relationship soon.

An environmentalist
college professor that he was
told me
It’s called climate change, not global warming
Some places get colder
I’m getting colder
My seas are rising
and my summers are shortening
The end of summer came a month earlier each year, 2008-2010
August -> July -> June
2008 -> 2009 -> 2010

Next year, there might not be a summer at all

[begin transcript]

me: How’s work tonight?
him: pretty slow
him: what u doing up
[it’s 2:02 am on a Sunday]
me: Good question. I keep waking up.
me: Are we gonna still see each other or…?
him: Yah I have to you about that but don’t want to do it over text
me: ok, not a conversation I’m looking forward to but I get what you’re saying.
him: sorry I’ve been so distant
me: I’m good at reading the writing on the wall. Let’s just leave it at that for now.

[end transcript]

[end relationship]

The significant dates. Dates as defined by calendar days but might be construed as dates as in dating, though some of the “dates” were really just mindless fucking. Whatever. You decide the definition(s).

In a month’s time, you have a choice. The averages don’t lie.

• March 5-April 5, 2008: you had 12 dates down with him with five more months to go. You only lasted 53 dates total so you were already one-fourth through your relationship. Over the course of this time, you had 8.8 dates a month or 2.2 dates a week. He divvied his time with almost the precision with which he peeled and cored your heart.

• July 11-August 11, 2009: you were 14 down with 3 to go. A mere 2.33 dates a week for the six weeks you were together in bliss. It was almost good as long as it lasted. Though more dates than the first within the first 30 days, not a statistically significant finding. In fact, he was an insignificant finding.

• April 11-May 11, 2010: you’re 16 dates in plus two on the way and no end in immediate sight. Maybe not sure fire but you have the devotion of a man on average of 4.25 times a week and those kinds of stats you just can’t argue with.

I’ve got my press-on nails
a new ring
new hair
slate blue eyes
and a boy who’s helpless in my arms

On Monday, happenstance occurred. Happenstance, I say, because I’m not sure I believe in fate or destiny, puzzle pieces fitting together just so. I see a yellow sticky note on my office floor. I leave it there for several hours. I have things to do. In the mid-afternoon, I pick up the note and take a look-see. I’m jolted to see it. His email, the asshole, who ruined the name Steve for me, although I never liked it anyway. The one with no affection for me. His email, who I’d finally forgotten. His email, written down a year and a half ago just in case we ever started communicating again, still waiting to be typed in my compose box.

He’s not much to me, not even painful to think about. He’s nothing. He’s an asshole. He is Steve.

He facebooked me a few months ago and I told him to never contact me again.

I’m not sure why I can’t bring myself to throw the sticky note away.

A good date is always a bad date for a writer. I get a rush of delight when I realize things have gone horribly awry and I’m stuck in a situation that I will be forced to endure for another 53 minutes. It’s sweet, the taste of the meat of him, the reassuring thought that I own this story now. I can twist and spin and create a reality of terror and delight for myself and, hopefully, my readers.

I had a date yesterday. It was very awkward until we started making out. He had squinty eyes and was a bad kisser. He wore a pimp ring on his finger. I admit to liking it.

Here’s a technique they use: In a perfect world, what would happiness, togetherness, the best date ever, etc. look like? Maybe the question helps some people, but it pisses me off.

1) Before I can even begin to answer the question, I have to imagine a perfect world, which is such a huge issue I am paralyzed. What would a perfect world look like? Fuck if I know and I hate being tied to that question because it makes me think of moldy crackers and teardrops and regular soda that has zero calories and would that really be perfect, is that really a world. World. It pisses me off to think big thoughts, that is why I am so content being wholly self-absorbed.

2) If I had ever experienced the perfect date or happiness, I could certainly answer that question. The point is that I have not experienced such a thing. I can tell you what it doesn’t look like with a Shamdog, an Air Force John, or a guy who plays with his food. But then I think, well, maybe the situation was perfect and I need a different guy. How can you imagine what happiness looks like if you don’t know the color of his eyes and his exact height? If you don’t know if he’s a drug dealer or a Republican?

I met him at the Waffle House, which was even cooler than saying
I met him on the internet
He was cute
though for a moment as I was walking up
I wasn’t sure
He had stunning blue eyes
usually I go for brown
but he was all smiles and there was little awkwardness
I think I’d finally found my stride
not thinking twice about the fact I remembered nothing from his profile
He wore a sports jacket while I wore a slinky top
encouraging him to check out my rack—he did several times
I felt a rush of adrenaline
He kept smiling

I’ve never met this guy and I never will. He offends me to the core. Repusively country. When a dating service asks you what your interests are, they mean what interests do you have that you can share with your future beloved. They do not mean, do you like to go muddin and huntin and fishin with your children/friends. They mean, you are looking for a date, right? One is supposed to announce that one loves movies, games, have a drink here and there, art, watching martial arts. When a dating service asks you to introduce yourself, they do not mean tell us about how you’re a laid-back guy, looking for a nice woman, who likes, for the record, muddin and huntin and fishin. They do not mean for you to repeat your interests in two different sections of your profile. They do not mean that you need to announce that describing yourself is hard to do but you’ll give it a try. One is supposed to say that one is funny, has a great sense of humor, is responsible, and would like a woman that is the same. I’ve never met this guy and I never will. For all his profile transgressions, there is one I can never ever forgive: his height at 5’4. No need to comment on my stuck-up-ness. I’m mean.

SOB with me

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