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I dated a guy who defined his religious beliefs as apathetic; he thought the search for God/gods and spirituality such a bore. I liked his stance because it gets too big and my answers more cynical to bother with it. So I became agnostic on a decisive day and simply silent or confused the rest of the time.

As people die and other loved ones (our pets, for example), I am forced to admit that I’m not apathetic. I don’t see to find gods/God in churches. That part of it isn’t gods/God; that’s decorum and fellowship and cult and restraint. Those are the my concerns.

Something that has always come into place is the idea of fate. If God/gods exist, do they control the course of your life? Does the universe create “ka” (Stephen King’s concerpt of fate in the gunslinger series).
Do the God/gods have control or does fate? This a part that’s confusing because I don’t know the true nature of fate or aforementioned entities.

There are very few true things I believe in. Premonition is one of them. People sense things are off, they see visions right before something happens. So this is a big step in my journey to meet God/gods.

The morning my precious Poppy died, I saw a strange flash of a vision. Poppy was right behind me waiting for me to pet her. I reached back and it was not her. She died about 15 minutes later right behind me.

I don’t know where the vision came from; I’d never had any other visions. It doesn’t matter if it was sent or why then. But I believe visions. Real visions.


Just the other day I was telling someone about how assault rifles and Rambo-sized clips are bullshit for civilian use and how all those babies at Sandy Hook didn’t have to die in a spray of bullets and at least if motherfucker didn’t just have to pull one itty-bitty trigger, things might have turned out better.

Then, I saw a pink “baby” Glock. And in that moment, I knew if weapons of mass destruction were pink, I might just have to get me some of that. Killing innocent people and maiming them isn’t so nasty when it’s pink, now is it?

There’s nothing I fear more than a heartbeat. The negative space of it: its absence. Our hearts kill us more often than not. It’s statistically so. It’s figuratively so. And so I try to keep time with the tides that change but never stop.

I do not let tears well
That will come later
After the worst
Whatever it is
Always goes one way or the other
There will be a ring
Strangers will answer

I said it’s time for tragedy
And one is here

SOB with me

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