You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘the Straight Man’ tag.

*Him being a clueless male and not my faithful dear readers.

  • Say okay to cuddling, as in his definition of cuddling, not yours.
  • Say alright to things you’d rather not do.
  • Send a defaced Hallmark card. (Specifically, if you are sending said card to a Straight Man, be sure to include “fuck”; otherwise, he will not understand. He will ask you if you’re on your period.)
  • Take off your pants.
  • Say, “excuse me, sir, would you mind giving a little girl a good, hard [insert appropriate word/phrase here].
  • Ignore him. Nothings says “I love you” to a man like pretending he doesn’t exist. Do NOT tell him you care.
  • Smile.
  • Laugh at not-funny jokes.
  • Stack your limited cookbooks in plain sight so he thinks he’s going to be the one who changes you into a Domesticated Delight.
  • Call him [insert name], but add that you like that about him.
  • Give him a private pet name. Try to forget any references to human pets.
  • Get sassy.
  • Put on your sexy lipgloss.
  • Send him a suggestive electronic message. (“What are you wearing?” works usually although I did text that as a joke to my ex-boyfriend and his daughter read it and he had to give her some excuse about how I bought him a shirt for his birthday and that I wanted to know if he was wearing it. Still, don’t feel sorry for him because he was an asshole.).
  • Don’t use more than 3 words in a sentence. It’s best to keep it simple.
  • Shake out your luminous hair.
  • “Don’t you think orphaned Asian children are the cutest things ever?”
  • “I have been wanting to introduce you two for a while now. This is my lovechild, Bunny, who I share custody of with his other mother, Bryan.” [It’s the Other Mother part that is confusing, not the Honey-Bunny part.]
  • “Do you ever have questions about questions?”
  • “What is your stance on double snaps?”
  • “Will you hand me the fuchsia scarf? No, not the lilac scarf. No, not the dusty rose one. My God, are you color blind?”
  • “I don’t think we want the same things.”
  • “    .” (silencio)
  • “Tell me again, because I do not recall, who are you?”
  • “I know exactly what a Phillips screwdriver is and where you can find one.”
  • “I would not like to cook you dinner. I do not cook for anyone.”
  • “I feel that you’re a little too needy, yes?”
  • “Um, no.”
  • “I do not appreciate your lazy ass.”
  • “I will not tolerate your lazy ass for one more second.”
  • “I would encourage you to remove your lazy ass from my house before I send you to the pokey, motherfucker.”
  • “I do not like huntin’.”

I’m not sure anyone will necessarily think this is funny but it amused me. If you want a good time, go back to your old emails and read them. Share them.

To: MedicatedLady

From: Poeticgrin

Date: 2/21/05

MEMO: It has come to my attention that some members of this staff feel that it is professional to wear denim garments below their waists.  This behavior must come to an abrupt stop.  It is counterproductive and sends the wrong message to the childrens.  If I catch any of you wearing these denim garments, I shall strip you then and there and let you feel my power. 

To: MedicatedLady

From: Poeticgrin

Date: 8/18/04 

On Tragedy (a Haiku)

Weed in a taco

Broken swings, asses, and dreams

Satan’s spawn inside

 

To: MedicatedLady

From: Poeticgrin

Date: 12/2/08

(Bryan’s poem to my/our then-boyfriend (who was in the Air Force but is not Air Force John, this guy was just a “Luke”), who later left the country without telling me/us)

Dearest Airman,
How I want to fly with you,
to say your name with a heavy “K” sound

resonating in my throat long after
I’m silent.
  
I am air sick
love sick
love struck
  
lightheaded
from this quick
change
in altitude. 

 

*An email exchange between Bryan and me concerning the matter of a straight man.* Please note, we are usually completely off the mark about straight men but we have conversations like this all the time.

From MedicatedLady to Bryan: What a crybaby Air Force John is. Seriously. If he’s blowing me off, he is doing it in the strangest of ways. I am honestly perplexed. It’s probably just coming down to I’m not giving him the nookie. He’s friendly enough and kept the conversation going for hours (texting of course). He invited me to cuddle. I considered it. I said, really? He said yes. He says, I’m going to bed (he said this before as a way to get me to hurry up and come over). So I say, So are you saying I’ve missed you or to get trucking? And then he says, no, you can come cuddle w/ me. And I paused for a moment and said okay. Then I brushed my hair for him. And then I text, will see you in a few minutes. And then he says, can we reschedule? And I say, ouch, but okay. He says he’s been up since 5 and is tipsy. I say, okay. 10 minutes later. He says, I don’t want to offend you. I say, it’s all good. 20 minutes later. He says, I’m afraid I will make a move. I say, moves aren’t necessarily bad things but it just depends if you can be swatted away when it’s time to cool it. So he says, Nope (smiley face) and I say, well then there you go. 10 minutes later. He says, I’m in my underwear. I say, Um…good? He says, yeah. I say, well, underneath my pjs I’m wearing underwear too. End conversation.

Bryan’s response/translation: I think he was horny, and then he wanted sex, and he invited you over, and then he felt guilty, and then he was horny again, and then he just masturbated.

SOB with me

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