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*For bcb, for real.

 

I think

when I die

one of the things I’ll miss most

is

you.

 

I love that the whole world

is an inside joke

(for us, between us)

that never goes stale. 

 

I told this Mister that I wasn’t interested and he replied back that I was a head case. And I have the urge to giggle about someone saying that to me when I ain’t carin’ what he calls me. And also, I think: He totally gets me.

Progress has been made

when the color he loved doesn’t automatically 

remind me of him

Progress when pea green can just be a pretty color

        again

Progress when lime doesn’t force the echoes of

        I have no affection to give you to ring in my

        ears

Progress when I lay me down to sleep and can

        imagine tickling grass under my feet and not  

        feel such loss

Progress when green doesn’t make me see scarlet

        or black or anger or sadness but has instead

        returned to simply being green

I just knew that little boy was going to save Mrs. Lovett from Mr. Todd. Alas, it was not to be. I would hate to be baked.

Heretoforth, I will not be taking dating advice from those who do not value my limbs. I can understand making a fool of myself, giving my dignity to some ungrateful asshole, but why should I sacrifice my fat feet and hands for a date? i just don’t think it’s right. It’s time I stand up for my extremities, dammit.

I would hate

to be baked.

My best prospect at the moment is in Japan. This other guy fell through. Here are the highlights: yesterday, he took his friend, Roy, to the ENT doctor to get his stitches out, went to Walmart, and was over at Roy’s house when he called. He likes chess, he minimized what a feat it was for me to install new phone jacks (“it’s not hard”), he made assumptions about my career, he reads manuals on construction, he majored in philosophy (which made me sick to my stomach, I was like, “oh I never really liked the theory classes I had to take,” to which he then said, “well, you know it’s in my nature to question things.” Which implies I’m a mindless member of the herd.) I’m telling you the ones that don’t ask for your number are weird. He seemed disappointed that I wouldn’t go out to see a band with him last night. I’m pretty sure he could be the one who dismembers me, because he’s very logical and very monotone. Serial killer-esque, if you will. I was bored stiff about 5 minutes in. It was relentless. I finally told him I was out the door, going to a friend’s house.

I am wrong, and I know I am. In my heart, I know it. I take my frustrations out on innocent bystanders, people who are only trying to do right by me. I’m so frustrated with the people who aren’t in my life and don’t want to be (not just a certain person, but also feeling a lack of someone special in my life generally) that I take it out on people who I know will forgive me.

So. I’m sorry. I’ll try to do better. Promise.

the leaves are red

turning brown

dying down

the wind

blows a little less fresh

my cheeks are paler now

instead of thickening

my skin is becoming thin

my dreams and disappointments

more transparent

with each intake of breath

there’s a shudder of fear that nothing will come out

where youth ends

life

life is on her throne

 

 

youth is a song

outplayed

overplayed

a sonic boom

ringing in the ears of those no longer young

There might be a straight man who gets my sense of humor. He’s already assessed that I’m a bit “crazy, no?” He appears amused. This greatly pleases me. So what if he’s in Japan. Amusement knows no bounds.

**This is a song by Sting called “Inside.” It’s a great freakin’ song.

 

Inside the doors are sealed to love
Inside my heart is sleeping
Inside the fingers of my glove
Inside the bones of my right hand
Inside it’s colder than the stars
Inside the dogs are weeping
Inside the circus of the wind
Inside the clocks are filled with sand
Inside she’ll never hurt me
Inside the winter’s creeping
Inside the compass of the night
Inside the folding of the land

Outside the stars are turning
Outside the world’s still burning

Inside my head’s a box of stars I never dared to open
Inside the wounded hide their scars, inside this lonesome sparrow’s fall
Inside the songs of our defeat, they sing of treaties broken
Inside this army’s in retreat, we hide beneath the thunder’s call

Outside the rain keeps falling
Outside the drums are calling
Outside the flood won’t wait
Outside they’re hammering down the gate

Love is the child of an endless war
Love is an open wound still raw
Love is a shameless banner unfurled
Love’s an explosion,
Love is the fire of the world
Love is a violent star
A tide of destruction
Love is an angry scar
A violation, a mutilation, capitulation, love is annihilation.

Inside the failures of the light, the night is wrapped around me
Inside my eyes deny their sight, you’d never find me in this place
Inside we’re hidden from the moonlight, we shift between the shadows
Inside the compass of the night, inside the memory of your face

Outside the walls are shaking
Inside the dogs are waking
Outside the hurricane won’t wait
Inside they’re howling down the gate

Love is the child of an endless war
Love is an open wound still raw
Love is a shameless banner unfurled
Love’s an explosion,
Love is the fire at the end of the world
Love is a violent star
A tide of destruction
Love is an angry scar
The pain of instruction
Love is a violation, a mutilation, capitulation,
Love is annihilation.

I climb this tower inside my head
A spiral stair above my bed
I dream the stairs don’t ask me why,
I throw myself into the sky

Love me like a baby, love me like an only child
Love me like an ocean; love me like a mother mild
Love me like a father, love me like a prodigal son
Love me like a sister, love me like the world has just begun
Love me like a prodigy, love me like an idiot boy,
Love me like an innocent, love me like your favorite toy
Love me like a virgin, love me like a courtesan,
Love me like a sinner, love me like a dying man.

Annihilate me, infiltrate me, incinerate me, accelerate me,
mutilate me, inundate me, violate me, implicate me,
vindicate me, devastate me

Love me like a parasite, love me like a dying sun
Love me like a criminal, love me like a man on the run

Radiate me, subjugate me, incubate me, recreate me,
demarcate me, educate me, punctuate me, evaluate me,
conjugate me, impregnate me, designate me, humiliate me,
segregate me, opiate me, calibrate me, replicate me

 

 

SOB with me

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