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It’s been brought to my attention that I have a knack for convincing the good people in my world I’m competent until it’s much too late for them to do anything about it. It was brought to my attention recently when I mentioned to a friend that I was changing jobs and she said she wants to change jobs, too, but she doesn’t feel competent in anything that’s open on the market right now. I laughed at her naiveté and told her that competency has nothing to do with it. I personally am not capable of carrying out the duties of my current job and I failed miserably at my old job…I spread my incompetence around like a STD but I’ve mastered the art of appearing to be quite thoughtful and able to do many tasks. Now you can, too!
• You need to go to LensCrafters or some asshole hobbit eye doctor and get thick rimmed librarian glasses.
• You should put your hair in a bun, no matter your gender.
• In the course of a conversation, pick something you know about (however little) and pretend to have a strong opinion about it. They will wilt in your knowledge because if you are vehement, you clearly know what you’re talking about. For example, when I was 19 or 21 there were elections going on that I knew nothing about but I was in college and wanted to appear knowledgeable. Or simply repeat someone else’s vehemence (is that a word?) as your own conclusion. I listened to a pundit sarcastically say that Pat Buchanan wanted to nuke the borders to keep the illegal immigrants out. I repeated this in political conversations numerous times at my university and got raves for really knowing my stuff.
• Mention research or statistics. Peoples eyes go dead and they bow down to someone who knows research or can read it. Even if you haven’t touched the research. Spout facts and the people will be believe in your ability. TRUST ME! Note: you don’t even have to spout facts if you don’t want to. Most people will not question you. For example, if you start talking about standardized tests, and you say, “statistically speaking, there is no way for everyone to “pass” a test based on a bell curve so “rigor” cannot be determined by an invalid test,” who is really going to challenge you?
• Make bulleted lists when you go into a staff meeting or when you write a bullshit blog. Be sure to have enough bullet points to seem comprehensive and give pointless details to make the bullet points seem especially important. For example, use “for examples” frequently. Note: Titling your lists as “how to” also gives credence to the idea that you actually know how to do something.
• Shake your luminous hair out with a pensive look on your face. You know how to look competent…you’ve made it this far, right?
Things my dogs have eaten:
My pristine Blackberry 8530. My Emmie chewed right through the ALT button and I had to buy me a whole new phone because a broken ALT button means you can’t properly punctuate texts and emails. (Did you know that new 8530s are $500??)
My Blackberry phone charger
My replacement Blackberry phone charger
My peanut butter crackers
Raisins (this is toxic to dogs but of course, it didn’t affect my Poppy at all but I have the vet bill to show for my lack of attention)
The once-white grout in between my tile flooring
My G.I. Jane dvd
At least 8 pairs of shoes (seriously)
At least 2 tubes of Neosporin (not toxic but beware of the doggie gas toxicity you will experience)
Entire ketchup packets
Bread that was supposed to be all mine
At least 6 book covers (good sources of fiber, apparently)
At least the edges of 4 other books’ pages
More rugs and towels than I can count
Each other’s poop (grisly discovery)
Worms (specifically earth worms, not parasitic ones)
A dead bird (almost)
My newly-bought used digital camera (telling are the teeth marks on the lenses)
My USB drives with all manner of writing on them (okay, they didn’t actually eat them but that was a close call)
My daddy’s hand
My neighbor’s respect
My car floorboards
All of their toys
Their dog bowls
My purple sweater
My blue sweather
My pea green sweater
My Clinique cranberry lipstick. R.I.P.
The contents of my bathroom trashcan
The dogs have also eaten away the anger I feel with they happiness they bring…especially when they are asleep.
it was trendy
could be pasted from a copy
a font is an expression
of the soul
any font you can create
should be readily used forthwith
pasted from a copy
or better yet
typed in time, real time
This Medicated Lady is thinking irrationally again.
I’ve been considering a diet consisting only of those flavored ice pops
especially the blue ones
the ones I like the least
No one but me looks forward to a psychotic break
It occurred to me that I’m tired of being medicated
tired of being in need of medication
tired of being in need
tired of being
Right is what’s right
right as opposed to wrong
right as opposed to left
right as opposed to write
write as opposed to rite
It makes sense.
The first draft is the only one that matters
Raw is reality
Refined is bullshit
Or so I say
At times when I am being difficult.
At times when I am being difficult
Refined is bullshit
Raw is reality
The first draft is the only one that matters.
It’s not true
what they said
always an option
in all life-threatening and non-life-threatening
Prediction. If I am gazed upon by the sun, I will burn. My skin will peel. Repeat until I get skin cancer and die. That’s failure or success, depending on your life view.
It doesn’t have to hurt
for me to like the feel
of shallow skin torn from deeper depths.
Not all cuticles run so deep
makes the edges of my being warm.
I might go to professionals
who tinker and snip
but I don’t wish for nails that are better kept.
I wish for jagged, uneven splits
to be savored and fantasized about
to be at climax torn.
This day is going better than yesterday because
- I do not have to go to the dentist.
- I have not locked myself out of my car (yet).
- I am planning to eat all day so as not to get so hungry and stay within my point range for Weight Watchers.
- Although my gums are swollen and sore from dental work yesterday, it does not appear as though I’m dipping a golf ball size of chew.
- It’s super cloudy out.
- I haven’t fallen asleep for hours when I supposed to be at work.
- My TB skin test hasn’t turned a horrible purple from the nurse poking too deep. Instead it’s slightly red and basically not noticeable.
- The woman who scheduled my root canal for tomorrow morning was pleasant. When I called back to be sure that laughing gas was available, she said that it was and not to worry so much.
- I was not late for work today.
- I have four oranges that I can eat today at work.
- My toast was tasty. Actually, it was tasty yesterday, too.
- I don’t feel as though I want to give up and say fuck it and go to bed at 7 p.m.
Pros and Cons Anticipated for Thursday:
Tooth taken care of.
Getting hair did.
TB test results.
It’s toward the end of
It’s supposed to rain.
A fucking root canal.
Fucking paying to get hair did.
Finding out I have fucking TB.
It’s not Friday.
There are no cons to rain.
this is not a poem
just thoughts broken by lines
and no punctuation
for good measure
this is not a coherent whole
poem and prose
welded and molded
Let me tell you. Thursday marks our one-year anniversary. We met at Julie’s, after my class (it was Theories of Technical Communication). I was so nervous, literally shaking in my brown boots, and when I saw him, I thought he was gorgeous. I thought he would surely not be interested in me.
We were together 5.5 months. We’ve been apart now for longer. 6.5 months. And Thursday marks our one-year anniversary.
Consequently, it is also trash day.