*Him being a clueless male and not my faithful dear readers.

  • Say okay to cuddling, as in his definition of cuddling, not yours.
  • Say alright to things you’d rather not do.
  • Send a defaced Hallmark card. (Specifically, if you are sending said card to a Straight Man, be sure to include “fuck”; otherwise, he will not understand. He will ask you if you’re on your period.)
  • Take off your pants.
  • Say, “excuse me, sir, would you mind giving a little girl a good, hard [insert appropriate word/phrase here].
  • Ignore him. Nothings says “I love you” to a man like pretending he doesn’t exist. Do NOT tell him you care.
  • Smile.
  • Laugh at not-funny jokes.
  • Stack your limited cookbooks in plain sight so he thinks he’s going to be the one who changes you into a Domesticated Delight.
  • Call him [insert name], but add that you like that about him.
  • Give him a private pet name. Try to forget any references to human pets.
  • Get sassy.
  • Put on your sexy lipgloss.
  • Send him a suggestive electronic message. (“What are you wearing?” works usually although I did text that as a joke to my ex-boyfriend and his daughter read it and he had to give her some excuse about how I bought him a shirt for his birthday and that I wanted to know if he was wearing it. Still, don’t feel sorry for him because he was an asshole.).
  • Don’t use more than 3 words in a sentence. It’s best to keep it simple.
  • Shake out your luminous hair.
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