*Him being a clueless male and not my faithful dear readers.
- Say okay to cuddling, as in his definition of cuddling, not yours.
- Say alright to things you’d rather not do.
- Send a defaced Hallmark card. (Specifically, if you are sending said card to a Straight Man, be sure to include “fuck”; otherwise, he will not understand. He will ask you if you’re on your period.)
- Take off your pants.
- Say, “excuse me, sir, would you mind giving a little girl a good, hard [insert appropriate word/phrase here].
- Ignore him. Nothings says “I love you” to a man like pretending he doesn’t exist. Do NOT tell him you care.
- Smile.
- Laugh at not-funny jokes.
- Stack your limited cookbooks in plain sight so he thinks he’s going to be the one who changes you into a Domesticated Delight.
- Call him [insert name], but add that you like that about him.
- Give him a private pet name. Try to forget any references to human pets.
- Get sassy.
- Put on your sexy lipgloss.
- Send him a suggestive electronic message. (“What are you wearing?” works usually although I did text that as a joke to my ex-boyfriend and his daughter read it and he had to give her some excuse about how I bought him a shirt for his birthday and that I wanted to know if he was wearing it. Still, don’t feel sorry for him because he was an asshole.).
- Don’t use more than 3 words in a sentence. It’s best to keep it simple.
- Shake out your luminous hair.
Ramblings of a Medicated Lady: Words of Woe by Loria Taylor 
10 comments
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July 29, 2009 at 2:09 pm
Jade
This is funny! I love your plan of letting him think he will turn you into a Domesticated Delight. Also want to point out that he is the only one so far that has made you consider it.
July 29, 2009 at 3:07 pm
Jessica
That traffic feed thing is a little spooky. That’s…me. Anyway – to your post…point #2: I try. But I cannot seem make myself watch the History Channel for longer than about ten minutes before I’m all, “WHY, again? This already HAPPENED, remember?”
July 29, 2009 at 6:18 pm
medicatedlady
Jade: It’s only a front…I’m not REALLY considering becoming domesticated, silly.
Jessica: Here’s the deal. You said yes to the watching of the dreadful History Channel even if 5 seconds later, you had to put your foot down. And I give you props: he knows you care but he also knows who’s boss.
July 29, 2009 at 10:42 pm
mariana
I thihk this post is excelent, maybe you shold print panphlets and give them to girls after they leave highschool, so they have a guide about what to do with guys.
By the way I loved the 3 word sentence item.
July 30, 2009 at 7:33 am
medicatedlady
ha! That’s not a bad idea, mariana!
July 30, 2009 at 12:49 pm
jessiecarty
short sentence good 🙂
July 31, 2009 at 12:51 am
Paul
Tell him you’re famous cos you are on Wordsalad!! Congratulations!!
July 31, 2009 at 7:40 am
medicatedlady
Paul, haha. Thanks for letting me know!!
August 4, 2009 at 9:31 pm
1writegirl
Might I add (suggest) also, put on your long (up to the elbow or beyond, and don’t dare tell me you don’t own any) black gloves, a vintage dress of sorts if you have one (otherwise throw on a trench coat), a hat, and pack a suitcase, then call him and ask him to give you a ride to the train station. Don’t forget your cigarette holder with accompanying cig – you don’t even need to light it.
December 22, 2012 at 10:57 am
ay wussup
Shit… just say you love him & all you want is him… if he’s a real guy who actually love you he will appreciate that & to build. On say he’s your world, he’s your heart & if he leaves you die ’cause without him<3 there's nothing. Nothing in the world compares to him because… he is your world 🙂