You are currently browsing the tag archive for the ‘breakup’ tag.

An environmentalist
college professor that he was
told me
It’s called climate change, not global warming
Some places get colder
I’m getting colder
My seas are rising
and my summers are shortening
The end of summer came a month earlier each year, 2008-2010
August -> July -> June
2008 -> 2009 -> 2010

Next year, there might not be a summer at all

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Maybe

it’s true

Maybe

it is all or nothing with me

my weary, obsessive mind can be calmed

if he’d just do it

reach out to me

soothe me

so I can retreat

return to not caring

either way

 

I wonder

am I just like you

hard and cold

conficted and self-destructive

in my own way

doubt

I wonder

is this your legacy to me

that I remind myself of you

sometimes

It’s sort of like a yard sale. I have a lot of this and that on my mind. Here’s a basic truth about me: rumination is a gift. I don’t know if it’s real or imagined, but I think it gets old, my talking about my breakup, my depression. So I blog to get it out and try to give the people around me a little peace.

 

 I feel better, even if I’m not really. Even if it doesn’t last. Distractions are good things. My house, my blog, my this-and-that help me to not dwell so much.

 

Still. I worry about my future with men. Truly. In therapy, what has come about is that I think my relationships with men are doomed to fail. It is a belief, something that feels real and true and absolute. I don’t know how to combat it. Once I make a date to meet a man, it starts a countdown to the end of our relationship. I literally hear the clock ticking. A good friend of mine said, you’ve been put through the ringer, don’t be so hard on yourself. Another said, don’t make other men pay for what’s been done to you.

 

One theory is, in some ways, I chose my previous relationship because he was obviously flawed, so I didn’t have to wonder what was going to go wrong. That feels both true and not-completely-true. If one relationship, one that by all accounts was not good for me, if that one relationship can create so much sorrow, can spiral me this far down, how am I ever going to survive dating? Was it coincidence? That this dysfunctional relationship and breakup simply corresponded and exacerbated a depressive episode I would have had anyway? I want someone to tell me I’m not weak.  

 

I’m so tired of ambivalence.

SOB with me

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