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My friend, Lamar, recently posted about living in the past and the future and trying to find balance in the now. It made me think. I only have brief moments of clarity in which I totally feel the now. For example, I live in the now when I realize this or that sucks. When I have overeaten and feel ill, in this very moment.

Mainly, though, it’s somewhere other than now that I live.  This comes to the fore when yours truly, medicatedlady, signs herself up for an on-line dating service and the impossible questions arise, such as  “what are your current likes and dislikes.” My mind goes blank. I have no current likes or dislikes, other than I currently very much dislike these silly questions I’m being forced to answer.

Then, my brain goes backwards and forwards. I’d like to one day like to workout. I’d like to be adventurous and be a decent tennis player in the future.  I will dislike unavailable men soon. I’d like to be really skinny sometime before I’m dead. Or. I used to very much like my home-made cheese sandwiches. I used to dislike all jokes pertaining to pork or paying for pork or porking for pay.  It’s all wills and dids.  Used tos and would likes. Never dos. Never now.

I live for the time when this moment becomes that moment or will become that moment.

Maybe this isn’t a problem. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how I can change what seems so natural. The present isn’t natural. At least not to me.

For Lamar’s post, see http://lamarj72.wordpress.com/ and enjoy.

just over two hours left

before I am no longer a child

officially

 

I have no memory

besides this moment

 

an undisclosed amount of time

before I am no longer a child

symbolically

 

The past and present go deep

and I do not want to dive in

on the side

afraid

always

a child

SOB with me

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