The doctors and I have an understanding. We say things like, well, your treatment options are narrowing or to mix things up, we tell her, we’ll have to wait and see what the test results say. We do not say, your life options are limited.

 

We do not tell her she’s more likely to die than live.

 

Which technically is everyone’s fate, but you know what I mean.

 

In the hospital,

waiting.

 

I realize

not wanting to live

is not the same thing

as wanting to die.

 

I realize

it’s not accurate to say

I’ve wanted to be dead.

I have wanted to be the living dead.

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