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The Easy How-To Instruction Guide for All Things Important

Eating French Fries
1. Always eat fries in pairs of two, who are very close to identical length. Do not eat one, four, seven, or eleven fries at one time. Only two. Think French fry twins.
2. If you get to the end of your fries, and you discover a single fry left, you should tear said fry in have and eat it as two fries. This is not the ideal situation since they are not true pairs, but in a bind, this works.

Losing a Man
1. Tell him you want to spend loads more time with him.
2. Tell him you want to be exclusive.
3. Give him an old-school casual greeting.
4. Mention your favorite color is red, blue, yellow, green, orange, purple, white or black.

Hemming Your Pants—N/A. Leave well enough alone and contact your mother.

Adopting a Pet
1. Take him/her to the vet immediately.
2. Have vet remove all cancerous cells promptly.
3. Constantly worry that he/she has cancer.

Dating
1. Do not do anything I have done.
2. Do not do anything I have done.
3. Do not do anything I have done.

Taking Pain Relievers
1. Keep well stocked at all times in every situation. Work, home, car, purse.
2. Do not buy two bottles of Ibuprofen and accidentally take both bottles home when you meant to have a bottle at work because then you’ll be in pain without relief.

Cooking
1. Invite someone over, preferably a hottie.
2. Tell him/her you have lots of kitchen items to cook things in.
3. Tell him/her to have at it because you ain’t cook.

Comments

6 responses to “The Easy How-To Instruction Guide for All Things Important”

  1. jessiecarty Avatar
    jessiecarty

    oh ML this was hysterical! i can’t pick one over the other but i 2nd you about hemming pants. that is so 7th grade 🙂

  2. Bryan Borland Avatar
    Bryan Borland

    Agreed, this is ML at her best. Wickedly funny! But the thing is – there’s not anything that’s fiction here. That’s why a ML memoir is in order.

    The french fry thing? You should see her in action. She can paint me as OCD all day long, but to see her work her fries in glorious compulsion is crazy as an art. But careful, though, because this compulsion is contagious. I now eat my fries, chips, etc the same way. Sometime about the structure of the bite… sinking your teeth into something that’s symmetrical. That’s where it’s at.

    As far as the pills, ML again speaks the truth. During my recent loss, plenty of people brought food trays, casseroles, things like that. ML brought me a tray of pain medication.

    Good times, even in bad times.

  3. Dhyan (AKA Utopain Fragments) Avatar
    Dhyan (AKA Utopain Fragments)

    must have – preferably in a pocket version..

  4. dcdiffycult Avatar
    dcdiffycult

    You have to be fuckin kidding me

    right?

    tell me you’re kidding me
    that this is all a joke right

    cook?

    You guys are smoking dust, no?

    DONE NO TAKE BACKS I’LL BE THE COOK. BEGGARS CAN’T BE CHOOSERS AND A JOBS A JOBS i’LL BE THE COOK ON YOUR JOURNEY, AT LEAST i’LL BE ABLE TO CUM ALONG

  5. B. R. Belletryst Avatar
    B. R. Belletryst

    This. is. spectacular. I agree with Bry, write a memoir. It’d be fantastic.

    In your writing this, it’s very poetic. I read it as poetry. And I love things that border definitions. Is it fiction or non, is it poetry or prose, is it hilarious or somber?

    One of my favorite pieces. Keep up the writing.

    Love,
    Bunny-Love.

  6. medicatedlady Avatar
    medicatedlady

    A pocket guide…now there’s an idea! Now I want to do a “How to do a pocket guide” post. 🙂

    I’m really glad this made y’all laugh.

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