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In Lady Antebellum’s “Need You Now,” one of the lyrics goes, “oh I’d rather feel something than nothing at all.” Well, then. Clearly, they’ve never felt the peace of feeling nothing at all because although not a pleasant experience, if you can get that numb, it’s something that one really would prefer at times, especially during breakups.

They need to get a little dead inside.

*****

Nails down to the quick
I’ve made them weak
with my neglect
I should have listened to the wives’ tales
I’m without talon to pick or perch
and it will take more time than I’ve got
to make them right again

My ear has been gurgling for a few days. Making internal sounds that sound like choking and feel like muscle spasms. The choking I get, the Eustachian tubes being cock-blocked, or blocked in any case. The spasms confuse me. There are no muscles. Can tubes quiver? There’s no pain (yet) just an itch that would require utter destruction to scratch.

Given enough time, though, destruction always becomes preferable.

I think I may have lost my mojo. I’m almost sure I had it at one point. I think I might have been sexy once. Way back, last summer, maybe. The most alluring thing about me now is my side bang, which hangs ever so seductively in my face and sometimes gets in my eye, forcing me to twitch.

 

I told this guy I was a klutz and he was amused. If only he knew.

 

I go to my Inbox and it’s empty and then I know for sure I don’t have it anymore. I may actually be flattered if ever I am the subject of a catcall by construction workers. I might even smile.

 

I am thinking I need to make another mistake, shake myself up a bit. Even if it’s not right, I need something real, in the flesh. I need something not-numb. This is what’s called maladaptive behavior, and I like it.

SOB with me

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