I have nothing to wax poetic about today. So. A bulleted list is in order.
Things one can do to pass time:
- Go on a work trip to DC. Spend 16 hours a day for four days with the children. Wear the wrong shoes. Do nothing that fun.
- Go to Florida to visit a friend. Get third degree burns.
- Become irate at Bryan for his various betrayals, such as not speaking to me the whole time he was in NYC.
- Commence with scandalous online dating.
- Buy bottles and bottles of ibuprofen to use on your inflamed knee. Disregard ulcer risks.
- Plan two months in which you are not home…ever…so you can get burnt out all the time.
- Worry about your dog getting back at you for being gone so long…when is she going to strike and poo in the house. When???
- Poof your hair, shake it out.
- Think way too hard about the U.S. Census and why it doesn’t ask for more information.
- Watch lost Netflix movies.
- Pet your dog.
- Think fondly of your dear readers.
Ramblings of a Medicated Lady: Words of Woe by Loria Taylor 
7 comments
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April 2, 2010 at 9:23 am
Bryan Borland
In my defense, I will recount our text messages the days I was gone to NYC:
ML: Can you believe the view from [our friend’s] apartment in Florida? (Note, Dear Readers, that this text message accompanies a photo of the ocean.)
B: God that’s horrid. You are so miserable. You hate views. Water. Beaches.
ML: I’m having the worst time yet!
B: Can you believe the view from the Chicago Airport? (Note, Dear Readers, that this text message accompanies a photo of the waiting area of Gate G-4 at the O’Hare International Airport in Chicago.)
ML: Jesus. You already getting the VIP treatment!
B: Can you believe the view from this bathroom stall? (Note, Dear Readers, that this text message accompanies a photo of a bathroom stall the O’Hare International Airport in Chicago.)
ML: Wooooooooooooooo! Here is a photo of a real-life sunburn spot. (Note, Dear Readers, that this text message accompanies a photo of a third-degree sunburn.)
B: The Statute of Liberty is small.
ML: It’s a wee bit?
B: Girl she yo’ likeness.
ML: I ain’t play with fire tho. I like her drapes.
B: On way to book fair. Nerve pill swallowed. I’m wearing a woman’s scarf.
ML. I’m excited for you. How are your hosts?
B: Wonderful.
ML: God’s light shines on us or would if we believed (and sometimes I do, like now). You look handsome.
B: Thank you. You’re pretty in the face. I’m terrified. Here is a picture of the empire state building from the car. (Note, Dear Readers, that this text message accompanies a photo of the empire state building from the car.)
ML: Please channel George Jefferson.
B: Please channel Thelma Harper (Google it, Dear Readers).
ML: In times of stress, invoke WWMLDO? (What would MedicatedLady Do?) Get disoriented.
B: HA.
ML: You are so nervous. I love when you are discomforted. I’ll take some pills in your honor.
THE CONVERSATION GOES ON. And yes, I may have been tied up while I was at the fair, but I sent her one text message afterwards and then dozens the next day.
Hrmph.
April 2, 2010 at 12:07 pm
medicatedlady
What the conversation really was:
ML: Bryan, how is the book fair going????
Bryan: silence
ML: Bryan, how is it going???
Bryan: silence
ML: Bryan, are you having fun?
Bryan: silence
Bryan: silence
Bryan: silence
In true-to-God fact, Bryan has yet to speak to me directly.
April 2, 2010 at 1:01 pm
bindo
I’m sorry ML but that’s just what happens to celebrities, they forget those who supported them before the fame and then only speak to other famous people. If it’s any consolation one day we will get to read about all his philandering’s while waiting in the grocery line and of course, the public apology and then rehab…
April 2, 2010 at 4:27 pm
slpmartin
As Bryan’s fame grows, do you think he’ll even be able to see us in his own august presence? 🙂 I’m sure he will because the shrill voicing greeting him at each book signing. Of course, I don’t mean any of this….welll…let me think about that ML. Just loved your list!
April 2, 2010 at 4:46 pm
jessiecarty
i need to text more people even though my phone is falling apart and is only a few months old most of my txts are to my husband and are more like
-kitty misses you (insert kitty picture)
-kitty
-yes. what do you want for dinner.
-food
true transcript.
April 4, 2010 at 9:17 am
Val
I am typing this sans vision. You see dear wonderful people, I’ve been rendered sightless by the blinding glare bouncing off the white hot blazing fire that is the burning wit of the comment section of this blog. Well, that or I can’t bear to read it because so many new assholes have been torn via texting. 😉 Now, where IS that video ML, Bryan?
April 4, 2010 at 9:36 am
medicatedlady
We did the video this morning. Bryan is in charge of posting.