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It’s not true
what they said
failure
always an option
in all life-threatening and non-life-threatening
situations
Prediction. If I am gazed upon by the sun, I will burn. My skin will peel. Repeat until I get skin cancer and die. That’s failure or success, depending on your life view.
I think I may have lost my mojo. I’m almost sure I had it at one point. I think I might have been sexy once. Way back, last summer, maybe. The most alluring thing about me now is my side bang, which hangs ever so seductively in my face and sometimes gets in my eye, forcing me to twitch.
I told this guy I was a klutz and he was amused. If only he knew.
I go to my Inbox and it’s empty and then I know for sure I don’t have it anymore. I may actually be flattered if ever I am the subject of a catcall by construction workers. I might even smile.
I am thinking I need to make another mistake, shake myself up a bit. Even if it’s not right, I need something real, in the flesh. I need something not-numb. This is what’s called maladaptive behavior, and I like it.
My friend, Lamar, recently posted about living in the past and the future and trying to find balance in the now. It made me think. I only have brief moments of clarity in which I totally feel the now. For example, I live in the now when I realize this or that sucks. When I have overeaten and feel ill, in this very moment.
Mainly, though, it’s somewhere other than now that I live. This comes to the fore when yours truly, medicatedlady, signs herself up for an on-line dating service and the impossible questions arise, such as “what are your current likes and dislikes.” My mind goes blank. I have no current likes or dislikes, other than I currently very much dislike these silly questions I’m being forced to answer.
Then, my brain goes backwards and forwards. I’d like to one day like to workout. I’d like to be adventurous and be a decent tennis player in the future. I will dislike unavailable men soon. I’d like to be really skinny sometime before I’m dead. Or. I used to very much like my home-made cheese sandwiches. I used to dislike all jokes pertaining to pork or paying for pork or porking for pay. It’s all wills and dids. Used tos and would likes. Never dos. Never now.
I live for the time when this moment becomes that moment or will become that moment.
Maybe this isn’t a problem. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how I can change what seems so natural. The present isn’t natural. At least not to me.
For Lamar’s post, see http://lamarj72.wordpress.com/ and enjoy.
when the temperature is low is it cold for everyone else I’m susceptible to dehydration ant bites fainting light-headedness allergies hypochondria sadness dry skin picking men who are not good for me good humor plump lips squinty eyes being ensnared height jokes ageism ticking you
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