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It’s not true

what they said

failure

always an option

in all life-threatening and non-life-threatening

situations

Prediction. If I am gazed upon by the sun, I will burn. My skin will peel. Repeat until I get skin cancer and die. That’s failure or success, depending on your life view.

I think I may have lost my mojo. I’m almost sure I had it at one point. I think I might have been sexy once. Way back, last summer, maybe. The most alluring thing about me now is my side bang, which hangs ever so seductively in my face and sometimes gets in my eye, forcing me to twitch.

 

I told this guy I was a klutz and he was amused. If only he knew.

 

I go to my Inbox and it’s empty and then I know for sure I don’t have it anymore. I may actually be flattered if ever I am the subject of a catcall by construction workers. I might even smile.

 

I am thinking I need to make another mistake, shake myself up a bit. Even if it’s not right, I need something real, in the flesh. I need something not-numb. This is what’s called maladaptive behavior, and I like it.

Due warning: this is NOT a creative or funny post. Unless you want to be subjected to paragraphs and paragraphs of endless venting and bitching, go ahead and move on to someone else’s blog and come back here soon. I adore you, dear reader; I just have issues that the medication is not smothering at the moment.

 

So my horoscope says I will be especially aggressive this Thursday and I think, oh poor world, you’re in for it today. Ask anyone. Ask Bryan. I stay aggressive. I stay offended.

 

(Okay, granted, Bryan is not the best person to ask because he truly is constantly offensive to me. He’s so judgmental and abrasive. For example, I invited him to come to my parents’ house this weekend and they are without electricity because of the ice storm and he was saying really appalling things like, “we can go up on Saturday instead of Friday, if that helps. I’ll help your mother in the kitchen.” I don’t think I’ve ever felt so berated in my life. Except for that time when Bryan was like, “medicatedlady, I’ll help you move, no problem.” Why can’t he stick to NICE, pleasant things like accusing me of rapid cycling when I am clearly unipolar?)

 

I have been short with my mother the last two nights because 1) she wouldn’t just tell me how the gas heat in her house worked, and 2) my father starts talking in the background and laughing loudly every time my mother is talking to me on the phone and she’s like, “did you hear what your daddy just said?” I tell her, “no, I’m on the phone with you.” What’s really awful about this is my mother is truly, truly the sweetest lady ever (ask anyone, ask Bryan).

 

And then I have *minor* resentment issues with the potential loves of my life because I want fire and sparks and someone who actually calls me once in a blue moon and who I don’t expect to just call me out of the blue one day to tell me he’s back in Japan and oh, he didn’t have a chance to tell me beforehand but I was a good person to “hang out” with. And then I’ll be angry. I’m already angry, a sort of a pre-emptive rage/resentment combo that brings up my rage/resentment concerning other assholes who have sinned against me. What keeps going through my head is I can’t even say we’re friends because I think I was just someone to kill time with. I’m apparently only worthy of being someone to kill time with and I am angry about it.

 

No. I’m bitter about it.

 

So, world, I am rooting for you. I sincerely hope you can withstand my rampage. I’ve had too much caffeine already, world. That’s probably not a good sign either. I am trying to stifle myself with lots of food and ice cream and creating toilet seat flair on facebook, but I don’t think it’s working. But, fear not, world, my next doctor’s appointment is tomorrow.

My friend, Lamar, recently posted about living in the past and the future and trying to find balance in the now. It made me think. I only have brief moments of clarity in which I totally feel the now. For example, I live in the now when I realize this or that sucks. When I have overeaten and feel ill, in this very moment.

Mainly, though, it’s somewhere other than now that I live.  This comes to the fore when yours truly, medicatedlady, signs herself up for an on-line dating service and the impossible questions arise, such as  “what are your current likes and dislikes.” My mind goes blank. I have no current likes or dislikes, other than I currently very much dislike these silly questions I’m being forced to answer.

Then, my brain goes backwards and forwards. I’d like to one day like to workout. I’d like to be adventurous and be a decent tennis player in the future.  I will dislike unavailable men soon. I’d like to be really skinny sometime before I’m dead. Or. I used to very much like my home-made cheese sandwiches. I used to dislike all jokes pertaining to pork or paying for pork or porking for pay.  It’s all wills and dids.  Used tos and would likes. Never dos. Never now.

I live for the time when this moment becomes that moment or will become that moment.

Maybe this isn’t a problem. I’m not sure. I’m not sure how I can change what seems so natural. The present isn’t natural. At least not to me.

For Lamar’s post, see http://lamarj72.wordpress.com/ and enjoy.

when the temperature is low is it cold for everyone else I’m susceptible to dehydration ant bites fainting light-headedness allergies hypochondria sadness dry skin picking men who are not good for me good humor plump lips squinty eyes being ensnared height jokes ageism ticking you

 

burned cookies    

are nothing to

burned fingers

are nothing to

burned egos

are nothing to

burned feelings

are nothing to

burned beings

are nothing to

you

 

SOB with me

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