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The doctors and I have an understanding. We say things like, well, your treatment options are narrowing or to mix things up, we tell her, we’ll have to wait and see what the test results say. We do not say, your life options are limited.


We do not tell her she’s more likely to die than live.


Which technically is everyone’s fate, but you know what I mean.


In the hospital,



I realize

not wanting to live

is not the same thing

as wanting to die.


I realize

it’s not accurate to say

I’ve wanted to be dead.

I have wanted to be the living dead.

I hid him from you because I knew you’d see right through him…and me.

Poeticgrin, there was no way you’d accept a suiter who was of X political affiliation and who once said, “Man, I don’t know, I think Bush got a raw deal.” Such mindlessness, I was ashamed for you to see either of us.

J, I knew you’d know he didn’t value me the way you thought I should be valued. I knew you’d demand that I demand more from the guy I was seeing because you love me like a sister and sometimes more than I love myself.

SOB with me

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