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Contexting

I took my leave because there’s nothing left to do. I thought I’d be more upset, saying goodbye for the last time and knowing it was finally, truly the last time. She moaned in agony. I patted her shoulder and left. I mumbled “I love you” on the way out.

I thought
I’ll be glad when she’s dead.

The guilty thoughts—wishing my aunt dead, not paying enough attention to her, not caring enough, thinking her a chore—I take them out of context so that I suffer more. So that I’ll suffer longer. Because she’s dead after all and I’m not. I tell myself that I wished her dead, as if I wished her dead in a vacuum. The context is she was dying. The context is she suffered and I wanted it to end. The context is I was selfish, but most people are. The context is my thoughts and reactions were completely understandable for a caregiver over the long haul. Death sucks, you do what you can.

The context is
she had cancer,
motherfucking, no-cure cancer.

The context is
I wished her dead, yes,
but. the thought. did. not. kill. her.

Comments

13 responses to “Contexting”

  1. Bryan Borland Avatar
    Bryan Borland

    Very, very, very strong.

  2. jessiecarty Avatar
    jessiecarty

    i can’t help but think of the day my mother died, which I don’t usually talk about directly, but the day she was rushed to the hospital i had tried to call her because i selfishly wanted to come spend the weekend with her to get away from my father and step mother.

    she didn’t answer the phone.

    i assume she was in the ambulance.

    in short, i can relate.

  3. dusty Avatar
    dusty

    that is some really emotional content. I have to think that took some courage to post just these specific thoughts. Cause I am thinking they were not every thought you experienced.

    Posting only some of your thoughts such as these could leave the reader thinking poorly about your character. That would be a mistake (on the reader’s part) Cause you clearly have many friends who enjoy your company and like reading your thoughts.

    I like reading your thoughts M.L. I have to admit that I don’t like traffic counter straight up lying about how often I come here. 😉

  4. medicatedlady Avatar
    medicatedlady

    Perhaps it’s just what I deserve to be thought of poorly. I thought those thoughts after all, but you’re right, they weren’t the only ones. They are just the ones that haunt me.

  5. 47whitebuffalo Avatar
    47whitebuffalo

    Thoughts, thoughts that reflect a miserable reality of suffering—death is the ticket to the next ADVENTURE–Journey–Exploration. Death is a reprieve from suffering, from samsara.
    You have NOTHING to be guilty about from my perspective. A caregiver deals with what most people work hard to ignore. It’s not easy. It’s not glamorous. Your aunt probably did not enjoy suffering from cancer. She has been RELEASED–and so have you from a hard scenario. May I suggest you honor her journey and yours with her by LIVING fully?
    shanti om, ML–let the pain go–there’s way too much of it that folks hold onto because it’s so familiar.

  6. medicatedlady Avatar
    medicatedlady

    Thank you, 47whiebuffalo, I needed that. It’s very hard for me to let the guilt go.

  7. lamarj72 Avatar
    lamarj72

    “motherfucking, no cure cancer” says it all…

    To me, praying, hoping, wishing for a loved one’s suffering to end comes from a place of love more than anything.

    Big hug.

  8. Pamela Villars Avatar
    Pamela Villars

    Yes, yes, and yes. Yes to your true feelings, yes to the fact that many feel this way and don’t have the courage to say it, and yes to your work.

  9. medicatedlady Avatar
    medicatedlady

    Jessie–thank you so much for sharing. It’s heartwrenching…and that memory must haunt you.

  10. medicatedlady Avatar
    medicatedlady

    Thank you for that, LaMar. Hugs right back at you.

  11. medicatedlady Avatar
    medicatedlady

    Thanks so much, Pamela.

  12. jessiecarty Avatar
    jessiecarty

    ML – it gets easier over time but I still can’t write a poem about it…

  13. medicatedlady Avatar
    medicatedlady

    And not everything has/needs to be put in a poem. It all depends on the person and situation.

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